When the man who raped you runs away without getting justice, what are you supposed to think? I felt glad he was gone, and guilt he was getting away with it. You feel helpless you can’t do more. What you don’t expect is to see your rapist pop up on facebook ten years later. And then to find all his facebook friends are young girls, and the trauma and the guilt starts again. Do you post the pseudonym? Do you write messages, that will surely be rejected, to the girls at risk? Or do you just cry and feel like this nightmare will never end.
He actually ADDED as a friend on facebook one of his victims. I can’t believe that. This is a man that feels no guilt. I should be proud, or something, that he didn’t bother trying such mind-fuck games with me. Instead, I feel guilt. Guilt that I didn’t shout loud enough, that he is playing with other girls and their lives. Guilt that I can’t bring myself to confront him again.
I have been living it all again. The taunts. Walking out the next day, covered in blood. Facing the three girls laughing, calling me slut. That had stolen my clothes. The rumors and damage done to my ‘reputation’ that continues to this day. The EXHAUSTION. Constantly having to give everyone all the gory fucking details in a attempt to make them understand. To prove that it mattered. That rape is not okay.
I don’t know where I am going with this. I use social networks. They are helpful tools. But what do you do when those social networks are becoming tools of the rapist. Being used to continue tormenting victims. Do you shut yourself in, and remove all online presence? I feel sick knowing that to block me, he had to look me up. I have strong privacy settings, but my online presence is a part of me. To know that he looked at me, that he thought about me…
I’m no where near ready to be coherent about this issue. This has set me back. I’ve had to up my dose just to get through the past 24 hours. But I know I need to write. I need to keep talking. I refuse to let him shut me up. He hasn’t yet, and he wont now.I need to know what I should do.
If you read this, I have this too say. You won’t break me. I will always write, I will always scream.